As usual, we received lots of attention driving through campus, to which we each responded with a blase "rock on" gesture. We drank lemonade, and occasionally Alex would pop a cherry into my mouth. It was looking like a relatively uneventful shift, albeit a colorful one. But that all changed around 8:00, when the concert started in the main hall.
Now might be a good time to mention that throughout the course of the summer I have been enjoying a platonic non-relationship with a nice boy whom we will call Frodo due to his choice of hobbit-like footwear. Our non-relationship consists mostly of throwing things at each other, playing board games, exchanging jokes and sexual innuendo, playing more games, throwing more things, frolicking around in the woods, and the occasional existential conversation. Despite my griping about the ambiguity of the whole thing, it is really quite enjoyable, and so I was perturbed to see, as Alex and I cleaned the kitchen bathrooms, Frodo on his way to the concert with an unidentified Amazonian brunette.
"Look at that cart!" The Amazonian giggled as they passed by. "Teehee!"
"Well!" I harrumphed, channeling my anger into scrubbing the shower floor. "If he wants to have a platonic non-relationship with another vivacious brunette with light eyes, thats just fine by me."
But of course it wasn't, and I sulked through the next three bathrooms.
Alex, oblivious to the whole thing, was intrigued by the sound of the music in main hall.
"It sounds like Greek music," she pondered. "Oh, and look, they're doing square dancing! I love square dancing! Let's go in!"
Detachment, I reminded myself. Detachment.
The chance to spy, another part of me pointed out. The chance to spy!
"Ok," I acceded. "But just for a little while."
We went in to find that everyone was in partners, and Frodo and the Amazonian were platonically whirling each other around.
"Detachment!!" My inner voice screamed.
So I grabbed Alex and whirled her around as well, and soon we were all having a platonically good time, especially when Frodo and the Amazonian came over to say hello after the dance was over. We all exchanged small talk and I tried not to hit anyone, and Alex excused us so we could go back to work.
I was feeling very proud of the way I had handled the situation, but my tests weren't over yet. On the way out the door we practically tripped over one of Frodo's hobbit slippers.
I was going to put it back next to the other one, but Alex had a dangerous gleam in her eye.
"Let's steal it!" she said. "Let's steal it and write a ransom note!"
I groaned inwardly. I had created a fun-loving, shoe-pillaging monster. Normally I would want nothing more than shenanigans at the expense of Frodo, but this was tricky territory. I didn't want him to think I was trying to sabotage his platonic non-relationship with the Amazonian.
"How is he going to get around campus without a shoe?!" I argued, to bide some time.
"That's the fun part!" Alex insisted. "Come on!"
I groaned, out loud this time. "And what if he gets mad?"
"Why would he be mad?" She countered. "He'll probably be flattered! Come on!"
I hesitated. I was weakening. We were back in the house-keeping cart now but I couldn't bring myself to drive away... instead I saw myself detaching the plastic pirate from the hood of the cart and fumbling for some scrap paper in the glove compartment.
"If you ever want to see your hobbit slipper again..." I was now writing, "Come to the staff dining hall at 10:45."
My pirate renegade self, I have learned, is not to be stopped.
I did add, as a concession to that small part of me who is concerned with consequences, a post-script: This was ALEX's idea!!!!!!
Then I scribbled a cartoon of two curly-haired girls, affixed the note to the pirate, sprinted over to place the pirate in one hobbit slipper, and with Alex holding the other hobbit slipper, we peeled out and high-tailed the cart down the hill to the cafe.
I was standing outside the bathroom door taking a moment to collect myself when my friend James wandered by. We stood for a while making pleasant conversation; he inquired as to how Felix was doing, we talked about the fairy he may or may not have seen by my head the other day, and so on.
Not two minutes after Felix was mentioned, a member of campus support walked by with something long dangling from his hand. It looked very familiar.
"FELIX?!?!" I screeched. It couldn't be! But what were the odds that there was another three foot rubber snake on campus?
The campus support guy wheeled around. "Is this yours?" He asked.
I raised one eyebrow. "Maybe," I said. "Who wants to know?"
"Well, Skip Backus (Executive Director of Omega) is up in arms," he said. "He heard through the rumor mill that there's a poisonous snake loose on campus, and that one of the staff members has been keeping it in the dining hall."
James and I laughed nervously, then stopped.
"Wait...." I said. "Is this a joke?"
"'Fraid not," the campus support guy said. "I was just bringing it over to show Steve Cleaver so he can vouch to Skip that it's not dangerous after all."
"Where are you taking him now?!" I cried, "Are you taking him away??"
James rubbed my shoulder consolingly.
"I'll return him to his tub," the campus support guy said, "But it would probably be a good idea if 'Felix' went underground for a while."
We all exchanged meaningful looks and nodded gravely.
"Understood," I said. The campus support guy gave a final meaningful nod and disappeared into the night, Felix bobbing along behind him.
I was starting to feel the anxiety of a kid who is about to be called into the principal's office. Our cart was outside looking like Graceland on wheels, we had Frodo's abducted shoe somewhere in its depths, we hadn't been doing very meticulous work, and now the executive director was up in arms about my snake.
I was just relieved I hadn't followed through with my earlier idea of answering every call that came through the walkie talkies, even the ones for maintenance or Skip.
Alex and I decided to return to our work with a new surge of efficiency. We had bathrooms to clean, rooms to vacuum, linens to pick up and put away, and every shenanigan was putting us further and further behind schedule. We drove past main hall several times, and each time I wondered about whether the concert was out yet, and what Frodo's reaction would be to the missing slipper, and whether this would be the end of our non-relationship.
At about 9:35 we got a call on the walkie-talkie about a 'code brown' in the main hall women's bathroom.
"We'll be right over!" we said.
The concert had definitely ended; a group of characters was milling around outside on the porch, playing guitar and drums. A Jamaican dude with dreadlocks hollered incoherencies at us as we passed.
"What a weird night," I said.
We scoped out each of the stalls to find that they were all clear, and after a double-check we shrugged our shoulders. Alex went into a stall to pee and and I headed for the door, cursing guest services for the false alarm.
In the entryway of the building, I froze. I walked outside, went up the path a little, then down again, then came back inside.
"Alex?" I called into the bathroom. "I don't know quite how to put this. I might be hallucinating. I'll go back outside and double-check. But I think.... that is, I'm pretty sure..."
"What?" She flushed the toilet and opened the door. "What's the matter?"
"Well," I said. "Our cart is gone."
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