Wanderings

I am on my computer past my self-allotted cut-off time but I will try to make it quick. In a nutshell, classes have started again and I am exhausted- doubly exhausted because of the fact that- despite my whole "goddess trusting intuition" spiel, I became conscious of the fact that my clothes are all fitting in that mid-winter way, although the change is definitely not as dramatic as it has been in the past. And that's why I got inspired and thought that this week I would just try to nip it in the bud by doing my usual elliptical/treadmill extensive cardio every morning at the gym. And indeed, it's felt really good to walk to the gym each morning and whirl away on each machine for a long time, listening to music, reading magazines, watching movies, what have you. I think I could spend a whole day on the elliptical. But that, I realize, is the problem- I don't know when to stop and so I go for an hour and a half, then do crunches and push-ups, then walk across town again... both days, surprise, surprise, I have been starving the rest of the day. And finally, FINALLY, today it clicked, that it's NOT an emotional or psychological thing anymore- on days where I was just hanging around, I didn't need to eat that much, and seeing that compared to today and yesterday where I was legitimately drastically hungry and couldn't seem to get full no matter what I ate, showed me just how out of balance I get when I do these... exercise binges. It's like I deplete every last bit of energy from my body on purpose- a guilt, punishment thing. I don't feel worthy, somehow, of having energy to spare. I think I purposely cut myself off from nourishment and love and I don't know why. Anyway, lots of fodder for the psychologist, as always!