food for thought

So, last night I went on a... date.... pretty much the first one I've ever been on in my life, since I assume we're not going to count drunken wee hours of the morning rampages with frat boys and Europeans. God. Anyway, this date was still not even a real one since we met ONLINE, and I'm just proud for making the situation into a tangible reality since, as you can probably tell, I prefer to spend as much time as possible in a solitary fantasy world. I'm perfectly fine being AROUND people as long as I can be anonymous, but it's that whole interaction thing that gets me every time. So, this "date" was a big deal. I'm pretty sure nothing at all is going to come out of it, at least, I'm perfectly fine with moving on, since the most valuable part of it was all that I learned. And I'm going to work on not being offended if he never contacts me again, because I don't think I even want him to! I felt hugely relieved the second I stepped into the subway station and was again by myself, and it had nothing to do with him personally, it's just that- I don't know- I have built up such an... internal empire. Yet there is obviously something crying out for contact, connection, through these blogs, and songs and performances, and youtube videos. It's like I want to be able to control the image that I present to people, and to offer them something and know exactly their reaction to it. I want to know how much applause, how many hits and views and comments, how much attention I warrant. And if there's feed-back, be it positive or negative, I want to know exactly what it is. And maybe the problem is that I then want to mold myself according to this external feedback, rather than what is stirring within. But that's because it's so much scarier to have gray area- last night, I was being myself the entire time. I was even happy with who I was, and confident with my silly jokes and stories and rambling nature. So if he never contacts me again? That's terrifying! I will NEVER have the opportunity to know what exactly it was that failed to pique his interest. And that's why I keep to myself as much as possible, to avoid unexplained rejection.