Wanderings

I'm enjoying the fact that my job at the hostel involves all sorts of random tasks, including decorating this birdcage. Our manager is on a decorating kick and this was his latest acquisition. We went on a trip to IKEA and I felt like a little kid again, as I trotted around gathering seashells and potpourri to bring back to the cart, pleading "Can we get these too, PJ? For the birdcage?" 

I've always wanted to own my own business, my own space, and I feel like the Universe is giving me an inside look and a bit of guidance towards that goal, hopefully. And not surprisingly, I always envisioned that space, my little House of Dreams, being in San Francisco!

But that's not for any immediate future. Right now, I am feeling happily recharged and optimistic again (although I suspect that that is a direct correlation with having started drinking coffee after a month cleanse, during which I literally wanted to die). I kept waiting to start to feel a natural enthusiasm for life without any sort of stimulant, but I didn't. I need coffee, wine, the Liz O persona, or some combination of the above. And there are worse things to be dependent on, is what I decided, so I have decided to re-introduce them with a recognition of the fact that they are crutches to help me get through this reality as is. I do want to cleanse again, and keep healing and balancing, but to go cold turkey off any of the crutches right now would mean a total change in lifestyle. And I like what I have going on. It just needs to be balanced so I don't go so high and low all the time. 

I was going to say that has nothing to do with a birdcage, but perhaps it does. I have actually always thought of my depression, my lows, my anger being the wall I hit before truly going anywhere. It really is like being stuck in a cage. And this cleansing is a purposeful exploration of why those walls are there. And how I could perhaps, perhaps- learn to finally let them fall, and break free.